Not a happy Kitty

I just want to cry and cry and cry and then go to sleep and wake up and cry some more.

I am goddamned stressed about university, irritated beyond belief by work, and Sam and I keep arguing about bullshit.

I AM SO ANGRY I CANNOT PUT IT INTO WORDS.

I can't even put this anger to good use because I can't find the adequate language to talk about it. I want to post on TCW, but I am already intimidated by the number of new folk on there (it's not even like, 10) because I'm so out of practice and like, Seija knows like, ALL of them [exaggeration maybe?] and I'm just ARG. And I keep missing her being online, which is equally frustrating because lately she has been my muse (although probably doesn't know this) and is who is keeping my creative flow from drying up again.

And I have NO inspiration WHATSOEVER, despite now having two characters and being an admin (I feel I should be posting as a good example, at least xD), and I can't believe I have changed so much from when I used to waltz into a 200-member strong RP and not give a flying crap whether I knew anyone or not.

THIS IS WHAT RPING WITH PEOPLE YOU KNOW IRL DOES TO YOU.

I miss the EMS board where it all started for me; I made good friends there, some of whom I still talk to on MSN and have been doing so for the best part of a decade. But none of them are into the forum-RPing anymore, which makes me sad and feel like a newbie all over again.

Goddamn, I need to get over myself quickly and just bite the bullet and NOT take it personally if no-one responds to a thread, and NOT have it bother me if people don't like my characters, and NOT wuss out just because I don't know anyone who is currently active.

Jesus, how have I grown up and managed to make friends? Maybe it's because I'm too into the real world now that I can't do it anymore, and maybe it is just because I have this over-riding need to be liked anyway that I can't deal with it when it's just IC. Why am I so other-people dependant when I think it's a bad thing and encourage people not to be?

Meh.

Well, I get the feeling that Sam and I are probably about to break up. We had a massive row last night (it lasted until 5am this morning), and he's not contacted me at all. I've had the chance to cool off now though, so who knows.

To be honest, if we do break up, I will not be as heart-broken as before. I think I will probably be kind of relieved. He's always so entirely emotionally retarded whenever I try and speak to him about stuff, and he'll shoot me down by telling me I can't possibly feel the way I do.

We always argue when he's very drunk and I'm quite sober. He always manages to make me feel like a child, and I hate it. I sometimes think I've just had enough.

Back from V Fest

So, I've spent the weekend doing the following:

• Getting sunburned
• Drinking Carlsberg
• Smoking too much
• Trying not to go to the loo AT ALL
  
• Getting muddy
• Being rained on
• Having piss thrown over me
• Being crushed by wankers
• Being walked on by arseholes
• Sleeping on the ground
• Spending my boyfriend's money
• Seeing many, many bands

So, all in all, it was good. Well, bodily fluids aside, that is.

Muse were fantastic live, as were The Verve. Amy Winehouse was not so much. LostProphets made the audience be full of thirteen year olds who moshed too much and nearly killed Sam. Lenny Kravitz was wonderfully chilled.

I saw others, but I can't think which ones right now. I am far, far too tired.

I love festivals. Just not the people.